I wanted to write this short piece to say here that I realized why I was so “Lost at sea” for so long. Its not because I was lost, its because I found a truth and, in a sense, I denied it and buried it for so long that I forgot the truth and just learned to continue to bury it.
The truth is personal to me and there is no use in trying to describe it here. But I am in grief because of this realization that I buried this truth and spent so, so very long trying to be someone else and trying to always be someone else, denying this basic truth.
It saddens me to see myself in grief and I’m sure it does others, but I held on for something for so long, buried it and buried a basic truth that I simply forgot this basic truth and just learned to bury the truth under more things and I in a sense learned to always change who I was, never quite accepting who I was at any given instance and always thinking that others didn’t accept me for who I was.
Now I am in grief upon discovering this and realizing this truth of a sorts, which is related to when I was a teenager and went through a spiritual awakening at the time…
I guess its because I wanted something else and wanted something more… But now I am in grief because of being so long denying a basic truth. But things are changing for the better with me in beginning to accept once again this basic truth and realizing all this depth to me and becoming more of who I really am.
But I am in grief with close to 4 years of always changing who I was, but the thing is; I will always be myself and nothing will ever change who I truly am as a person. I can pretend to be someone else and, in a sense, lie to myself, but I will always be who I truly am.
But now I am going through an identity crisis with who I am, but I guess that is something for me to work through while in hospital. Needless to say, I am the same person of who I am, just a slightly more developed and wiser person with all the attempts at changing who I was because of others…
I guess I need learn forgive myself now and learn to accept who I really am as a person. Which is something for me to work through… and allow myself to grieve.